The Good Wife's Guide, Part Deux

OK, where was I? Oh yes, wetting my undies:

- Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. (Well, brownie points for adding "if they're small" but I'm not sure I could get even the little guy to wash his hands and face just cause daddy's walking in the back door. Heck, unless he can luxuriate for an hour in the bath, soap and water are his enemy. The Queenager and Mr. Minimal, on the other hand, need no encouragement whatsoever to change clothes yet again. I have enough laundry as it is.) They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. (Well, playing a part is definitely what they would be doing. I think he would probably denounce them as changelings anyway.) Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. (Great - if this is what he wants, he can do his own washing and vacuuming. Oh wait, I don't think he even knows where the vacuum is. We've only been in this house 6 years.) Try to encourage the children to be quiet. (I don't need Mr. Wonderful returning to the bosom of the family to make this my daily mission, thank you. In fact, he usually walks in to the dulcit strains of "I don't think they can quite hear that television in Wisconsin Turn - it- down!".)

-Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him,
(Including, but not limited to-
.. There's water on the basement floor, again
.. the upstairs loo has the world's biggest poo floating around in it, and I'm not touching it
.. we can't switch the surround-sound TV on, again
.. the garage door is stuck (if you'd picked up your phone you'd have known before you tried to park in it)
.. the baseball coach (of whom you're just an assistant) managed to get himself ejected from the last game, which apparently also extends to this game - meaning that you're IT, meaning that you should have been there an hour ago - if you'd picked up your phone.)

.. but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. (Okey dokey.)

- Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
(OK, well as most of you will have read, these sentences totally contradict each other. If he has a "real need to be at home", why is he tom-catting around of an evening? Perhaps the writer realized how truly ridiculous this little gem was and tried to dig him/herself out of the gaping hole? Any road up, as long as I'm told in advance, I don't really care if the Ball & Chain goes to "places of entertainment" without me, as long as he doesn't a) bring back a "germ" or father a "being". I jest, of course, because it's all highly unlikely these days given that we're both knackered and usually in bed by 10pm. But seriously, .... if he did, I'd knee cap him.)

- Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Why not? Their his kids as well as mine. If I have to listen to the minutiae of his daily life, then he'll bloody well have to reciprocate. And besides, if I don't tell him the problems, what is he going to make of the huge pile of coats in the middle of the living room? He'll never guess that it was because I put the large tupperware box of hats and mittens up on the shelf and the whole bloody lot came down on my head, bringing the coat rack with it, will he?

Ah..domesticity.

The Good Wife's Guide (1955)

Y'all may have seen this, but a friend has just reminded me of this 1955 Housekeeping Monthly article on how to greet yer man when he comes homes from work. You may need either a whole box of tissues for the tears of hilarity, or an adult diaper/nappy, depending on your constitution. Let me break down some of the suggestions for you. Better yet, let me also tell you how they might parlay in Expat's House. I may have to do it in a few installments, such will be the flow of spleen:

- Have dinner ready. (OK, that I can usually manage, albeit with some attitude). Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. (Ha- wrong on so many counts. Planning ahead usually means standing about in the kitchen at 4pm wondering what on earth I can pull together. And wouldn't it be nice to know quite when HIS return would be? I either can't get through (important phone call) or he's pulling into the garage by the time he answers). Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed! (I beg your pardon!!!! I'm hungry ALL the time, and who is there to give me a warm meal and a similar welcome? Exactly.


- Prepare yourself. (Oh right, cause that's going to be the first thing on his mind as he's assailed by the latest domestic crisis plus little guy's indignation at having to turn off Sponge Bob.) Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. (Just where do they think we put the kids? Rest??? I haven't done that in 16 years - not even for 15 minutes.) Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. (No comment whatsoever.) He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. (And he's about to encounter yet another. Suck it up!)

- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. (Let's be grown up and take the word 'gay' in context. You want interesting?? Great - I have a Law Degree, oh, and a Masters in Something Else, and a published book. I can talk to adults about a lot of interesting things.... Sometimes, when HE walks in the door, I am SO manic that I can appear "gay and fancy-free". It's called hysteria. (Rhymes with Wisteria.) And while we're discussing things, can we talk about boring days please.....)

- Clear away the clutter. (Ha, ha, ha - I have a big house and a lot of kid stuff that I refuse to take full responsibility for. If the man wants a clutter-free house, he may have to hire someone or have a word with the "clutterers".)Make one last trip through the main part of the house before your husband arrives. (I struggle with this one, as it was clearly written in the USA. There is no "main part of the house". It's all open plan; there are no doors; when you clean up one room it only serves to make the next room look like a tip.)

- Over the cooler months (which would be most of the year in Chicago) you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. (Thank God we have that fake gas stuff, which even he can't ever light.) Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order (splutter, splutter) and it will give you a lift too. (No - it will mean I've run away to the local spa.) After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. (Oh, it does, it does.)

Excuse me while I return to this planet for a while. I will definitely be commenting on the rest of the "commands" in the next posts!

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Birthday gifting (a new verb)

My little "bonus baby" is turning 6 very soon. People say to me (since it was quite the occasion that I was ever pregnant again in the first place) "He's 6 -hasn't time flown?" but no, it hasn't really. Going through childbirth, night-time feedings, potty-training and tantrums is challenging at the best of times, but when you're ten years older than you were first time around, and several years older than you ever wanted to be with a newborn, well... . But he's a star (or will be before he's 20 at this rate) and we wouldn't be without him.

Anyway - what would my blog be without the occasional rant eh?

So his upcoming birthday got me thinking about gift-giving for small children. What to do and what definitely not to do if you want the parents to speak to you again:

- don't ask the mom (dads tend not to have much of a clue- except perhaps Charlie's dad) what the child is interested in, then completely ignore all suggestions. It may come as a surprise, but parents spend a decent amount of time with their off-spring and tend to know what will be a hit. And there's nothing more irritating for a mother, than spending a decent amount of time e-mailing suggestions, for them all to be completely ignored.

In fact,

- do ask the parents for suggestions. The child may be in need of an umbrella, which can be a fun gift to buy; perhaps they have just been given a new sleeping bag, which sounds like the ideal gift, but you really only need one.

- don't buy age-inappropriate gifts. If you're buying for a 5 year old, no matter how "verbal" or intelligent s/he is, a toy designed for 6-8 year olds will probably be beyond his/her developmental ability, which will in turn lead to tears and tantrums from the child as they struggle to "play" with it, and pissed-off parents who have to cope with the aftermath. It's not a compliment to buy toys that are meant for older kids, nor will they "grow" into them without first being very upset that they can't use them right now.

- do wrap the presents before sending them. Small children are usually around when you open parcels, and cannot be trusted not to go after them even when you've told them it's not for them, and "hidden" them on a high shelf. A wrapped present, at least means that they might not rip the paper off. And sending unwrapped gifts also means that someone else will have to wrap it nicely for you. Come on - unless you're having something shipped directly to the child's house, and have notified the parent beforehand, wrap the damn thing up.


- don't buy crap. Buying cheap gifts is insulting to anyone, but when something breaks within ten minutes of coming out of the wrapping paper,small children tend to become slightly hysterical. In my opinion, parents are within their rights to explain to their children that the gift was "not made very well", even if there is a risk that this will be repeated to the gift giver at the first opportunity. Should this happen, parents should simply look the offending adult firmly in the eye and say "It broke almost immediately". You, the parents, shouldn't be the ones apologising.

- do exchange something that is broken yourself. If something isn't right for the child, have the good manners to exchange it yourself, unless the parent offers. If a child simply wants something else, then no, the gift giver shouldn't have to exchange it.

- do send the gift on time, if you're important to that child. Usually, small children have no concept that their godparent has forgotten to send a gift on time, but if you know that the child will remember, at least phone up on the day and tell him/her it's on its way.

- do make sure it will ship. There's nothing worse than a present arriving in the mail that's shattered beyond repair. The parents can't really ask you to get another one, and might end up having to fork up for a replacement if the child is particularly distraught. I realise that ham-fisted parcel delivery people may be to blame, but pause a second before buying the gift in the first place, and ask yourself "Will this arrive in one piece?"

- do attach a gift receipt if possible. In the US, you're nearly always offered a "gift receipt" when buying something. This allows the recipient to exchange it if they want something else, it doesn't fit or they already have the item. The gift receipt doesn't state the cost of the item, although that will be discovered if and when they exchange it for something else.

- don't eschew money. I used to pride myself on always being able to come up with good gift ideas, but as children (particularly boys) get to the 10-14 mark, it becomes more and more difficult. Besides, they're usually saving up for something and are grateful for the cash.

- don't re-gift old merchandise from stores who take back anything that they sold. We were once given a gift that didn't fit, but when we took it back to M&S, although they would willingly have given us a replacement size, they hadn't actually stocked that item for over three years. Nice.

If I've missed anything, please feel free to add to my rant.

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