Monday, February 25, 2008

Guest Blog by Drunk Mummy

‘My name is Drunk Mummy, and I’m a….well…,’ I stare at the floor as my voice catches in my throat, ‘I’m a lapsed blogger.’
The words are barely a whisper, but they hang in the room like a dense fog. As my cheeks burn with shame, the silence is finally broken by the faltering but methodical clapping of a single pair of hands. Through a blur of tears, I look up and see my husband at the back of the room. With each clap, he takes a step closer towards me. His eyes are damp too, but his face is glowing with pride. Then I notice my three small children, peeping out from behind his legs, their eyes wide with fear and uncertainty.
‘Mummy?’ it is undeniably a question rather than a statement.
‘Yes!’ their father reassures them, ‘It’s your mother!’
They all run towards me and we hug each other, as the clapping from the other members of the program builds into thunderous applause.
And then I wake up.
It’s an odd dream, and one which has plagued me for the last six months. So what would Dr Freud make of it all? Well, he would probably infer that I am a neurotic, hysterical old bag who needs a damn good seeing to. But then, what would you expect from a coke-snorting misogynist?
No, I think the dream is a direct result of my decision to stop blogging six months ago (and an indirect result of watching too many schmaltzy films in my formative years).
When I suspended the blog, I imagined that life as an ex-blogger would be filled with exciting new opportunities, copious spare time and trousers that would fit comfortably once again. I thought I would finally be able to free myself of the guilt I felt every time I ignored my feral children and sashayed off to the 24 hour cyber-party of the blog world.
Well, my guilt about not spending enough time with the children has certainly evaporated. In fact all three kids are wilting visibly with the intense and unwelcome maternal involvement. Their homework has improved dramatically, but that’s only because in a bizarre case of Stockholm Syndrome, my warped sympathy for my captors extends to doing their homework for them. I don’t have the patience to sit and explain fractions or proper nouns to an eight year old, so it’s much quicker this way. Besides, I’ve become rather hungry for the intellectual challenge.
As for all that spare time I have acquired, well, I spend a great deal of it reading. Not the worthy, weighty tomes which accumulated dust when I was blogging, but other people’s blogs. I am now officially a lurker. Like an absent parent who watches the school playground from a safe distance, I skulk around the sites of old blog friends, keeping up with the developments in their lives, but deciding that it is better to remain in the shadows. I know that contributing to the ‘Comments’ boxes would be the start of my slide back into full blogging addiction. As the song says, ‘One Day at a Time, Sweet Jesus’ although why those Gospel types are always swearing is beyond me.
Being an ex-blogger requires discipline and determination. Not only is there ample opportunity for relapse, but the withdrawal symptoms are harsh and unpleasant. My opinionated rants are now vented upon a small, unlucky audience, held captive by their seatbelts in the back of the car. A simple question from my husband, like ‘How was your day?’ can unleash a twenty minute tirade of petty frustrations.
To ease the recovery process, my own personal methadone has been other forms of writing, and the occasional 'guest blog'. I rather like the idea of being a guest blogger - a sort of ‘keyboard contracter’ or ‘mouse for hire’ (although that sounds like some new indulgence for irresponsible children who are demanding a pet). Of course, it doesn’t quite replace the fantastic omnipotence of having one’s own blog, but in the current circumstances, it will have to suffice.
When my husband caught me tapping away furtively on the keyboard to create this guest blog post, I realized that he had already registered the sparkle in my eyes, the flush of excitement in my cheeks.
‘What are you doing?’ he asked, his voice tight with restrained emotion.
I knew that my response could devastate our marriage.
‘I’m having an affair’ I said, jutting my chin out defiantly, ‘I’m writing a sexually explicit e-mail to my lover.’
‘Thank God for that,’ he murmured with palpable relief, ‘I thought you had started blogging again.’

- - - - -

(Knocks spots off the rest of us, doesn't she?)

18 comments:

  1. Drunk Mummy ...... your name is on so many blogrolls! What a shame you gave blogging up! I think I know why though. I am fairly new to all this & my old man thinks he has lost me! I am completely taken over & have my head by a computer all the time.
    I hope you will feel the urge to start to blog again because your posts were so good & funny! Good to meet up with you though through expatmum.

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  2. Great post Drunk Mummy (and well done ExPatMum for getting DM blogging again - even in just a guest capacity). I think it's always a bit difficult to explain a blogger's obsession. That's why I don't tell anyone that I write a blog. My own little secret (which I share on the internet!)

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  3. Thanks for guest blogging! I haven't had this good of a laugh since I gave up blogging...oh wait...I haven't!

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  4. Great blog as ever Drunk Mummy! Just be careful - this small sip of internet elixir may get you addicted again!

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  5. Hello drunk mummy, what a great post. I suspect your dabbling back in bloggery in the guise of a "guest" is a bit like a proper old soak having "just one glass" ... but having read your piece I, for one, would be glad to see you back!

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  6. Since Drunk Mummy has three kids not officially allowed to roam around on their own, (unlike two of mine) and, she's an all-or-nothing kinda gal, I have resigned myself to her not wanting a full-time blogging job. However, she is free to guest here as and when the muse visits - lord knows I seem to have enough laundry to accommodate daily posts. It would be as though I were the alcoholic instead of her - sneaking sips out of my marguerita so to speak. (Wait - haven't we been there before?)

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  7. so glad to see you back again!!!Have missed you. Mind you, this is going to make things worse. Expat Mum - well done for getting this fabulous exclusive. Am thrilled. Has made my Friday. Am giving you large, pink award in honour of your achievement...

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  8. Thanks Omega. Took a bit of blackmailing, whining and general stalking, and I'll see what I can do on a regular basis!

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  9. Yes yes yes, well done Expatmum and Hellllllo Drunk Mummy - good to see you but for a brief moment. I'm glad to hear you are suffering withdrawal symptoms, it makes me feel less guilty for keeping going - I find willpower such an elusive thing, and find I have similar problems with alcohol, smoking and all food that's highly fattening - but we won't get into that right now! Just wanted to say "Nice to see you, to see you nice!" - and hope to see you again soon! :o)

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  10. Drunk Mummy, I've finally found you. Can't believe you've given it all up - that's typical, I always arrive at the party a bit too late!

    Hope to see you blogging again soon!

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  11. Oh, what a miss you are in blogland DM, but what a wonderful guset appearnace - I too have gone cold turkey -

    hang on, what am I doing here?

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  12. See - it's obviously not that easy. Nice to hear from you @themill. I was looking forward to hearing you wax lyrical about Northumberland. Now I shall have to wait till I get there myself in the summer.

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  13. oh crikey, now I'm really confused. Bloody good to see expat mum coaxed you out of retirement DM my friend. You are the truely the Rambo of blogging, 'I don't blog anymore...I've retired..don't push me...oh no, now look what you've made me do!'

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  14. Good to see you DM.
    You could aleays limit yourself to a post a week at your own place... couldn't you? ;)

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  15. I just wanted to say a quick thank you for all the lovely comments. Expat Mum, you have some wonderful friends.
    It was great fun to 'fall off the wagon' for a while, and join the party! Lovely too to make contact with some old and much-missed friends, as well as meet some new and excellent bloggers.
    Cheers to you all!

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  16. Well, consider yourself a resident guest blogger and start thinking of your next contribution! Thanks.

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  17. I am full of admiration, Drunk Mummy. I said I was going on blogging sabbatical, and wouldn't be writing for a while. But I just couldn't seem to hack it. The end result is that I've gone down from 2 or 3 blogs a week to 2 or 3 a month, which is comfortable for me at the moment. To be able to give up is to demonstrate moral fibre of the toughest kind (even if the occasional guest blog suggests a tiny chinkette in the armour...)

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  18. God I miss you Drunk Mummy, I am like Little without Large...

    I understand what you are describing completely though, and I feel that you may be doing the right thing - I may join you soon...

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