Thursday, September 18, 2008

Crusty bread and a rampant libido.

Reading Wife in the North the other day, I gave her some advice on how to approach those blue days we all get from time to time. Sometimes it works and sometimes you feel like a complete idiot, which for some of us is probably par for the course. Anyway, I sometimes pretend I'm in a commercial/advert or even better, one of those Jilly Cooper type novels complete with crusty bread, good cheese and a rampant libido. Well, crusty bread anyway, there's no such thing as good cheese in the US.

The next time you're fed up to the back teeth with an element, or all of your life, try a few of these tried and tested scenarios:

1. To overcome the exhausting treadmill of getting kids out the door in the morning:

- pretend you're in one of those ads for woman's health pills or energy drinks.
"I have so much going on in my life, I have to be able to keep up", as big hairy dog plus four kids run past, knocking lovingly prepared fresh orange juice off the table. You of course, smile indulgently, then bound after them, showing off your store-bought, limitless supplies of energy, as well as an amazing figure and glossy hair. All at 8 in the morning. There will of course, be a beautiful, open-plan kitchen in the background, with brilliant sunshine streaming in through open french doors. Obviously not filmed in the UK.

2. To overcome the boredom of preparing dinner in the evening:

- pretend you're one of those master chefs, (preferably with a bosom like Nigella). No? No, that one doesn't work for me either - cooking for kids who will ask what it is or sift out all the vegetables can never be disguised as anything but soul-destroying. Have a glass of wine while you're stirring.

3. To overcome the rage when faced with a living room that looks like a bomb site:

- start writing your first novel.
"Right, that's it. I've had enough", thought Katya (or some other fabulous name) murdurously, as she swept up the piles of sweaty gym clothes/towers of Lego. "I was born for something better than this"..... .Just make sure you remember you're only mapping out a novel, and don't go acting on your murdurous thoughts.

4. To overcome the tedium of being stuck in the car for half of your life:

- interview yourself. (That's if there's no one else in the car.) Just stick your phone headset in or pretend you're using a hands-free phone and start yakking. Any topic will do, just pretend a famous, hard-hitting interviewer is grilling you about some current event, or asking for your take on some "issue". If you're like me, you'll be surprised at how fired up you can become, and it certainly takes your mind off the traffic. In a good way of course.

5. To Overcome the sheer boredom of doing laundry:

- sorry, the only thing that can possibly improve this situation is to park the ironing board in front of the TV. Better still, buy a press - it takes half the time and I promise you'll stop burning your knuckles on the top bit after a couple of weeks.

Please feel free to add to these brilliant suggestions. We need all the help we can get.

PS. My horoscope today says: Today, dear Virgo, don't be too surprised if you have difficulty getting into a work frame of mind. It's likely with the day's energy that you would rather daydream than get into the real world. As an air sign, you are susceptible to daydreaming and taking imagination trips. Consider making a list of everything that needs to get done to help you focus. This will help you to meet your short-term objectives and you can take it easier this evening.

How on earth did they know about this post?

19 comments:

  1. Like it - but the scenario I am planning after this is "your hubby sends you on an exotic holiday on your own and you sit with drink and book in the sunshine and do nothing"...... bye

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  2. I love the role play game! I'm trying to find a scenario where I manage to be the girl on roller boots being pulled along by dogs in the Tampax advert, Its My Life by Dr Alban playing in the background! I sure don't feel like her at that time of the month! And whatever happened to Dr Alban??

    p.s. I tried the Nigella thing the other day and it didn't work! got into a scrap with the Extra Virgin Olive Oil... and lost!

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  3. I find that a glass of wine in the morning makes everything seem much more appealing. Then, if you're still feeling a bit low by lunchtime you can sleep all afternoon and then start drinking again whilst cooking the children;s food. Effortless. Lx

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  4. Of course you left out the tedium that is the supermarket shop. Personally I find this is made much better by... Actually, there is nothing to make it better. Sorry.

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  5. PM - I proudly admit to rarely supermarket shopping. About 15 years ago (first baby) they started an online delivery thing here and I have been doing that ever since. For about $5 fee, they bring everything, take it back if you don't like it etc. etc. Best $5 I ever spend. Life's too short to shop with small kids.

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  6. Totally with you on the wine and cooking thing! Obviously the wine's in a glass in my hand and not being stirred into the food. Why waste a good tipple!

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  7. I'm going to try number 1, but can I still swear like a sailor?

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  8. Great post! Thank god I've never had to deal with #1, and I gave up ironing years ago.

    I'm a Virgo too, and that pretty much sums up how I've been today. I never got around to making any lists though.

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  9. Pam - as long as you swear in English, you can say whatever you want as Americans have no idea how rude it is, and think it all sounds "cute". I find that "sodding" and "bugger" work particularly well. My 5 year old said "gob shite" the other day which surprised me as I don't usually say that. Great phrase though!

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  10. I'm going to play that game tonight. Tonight I'm going to be a man! Yes, sit down, feet up, wine in hand, exhausted, starving yet distracted by important tv, wave goodnight affectionately yet absentmindedly to kids. Can't wait!

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  11. Watching Eastenders works - they are all so miserable that you ending up feeling your life is actually OK.

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  12. Oh how I love Jilly Coopers books. Of course one other handy hint would be to have a glass of wine or chunk of chocolate as a reward afterwards!

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  13. LOL and dayum right about the cheese situation over here!

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  14. "How did they know about this post?" you ask.

    Well, it's a neat trick. Blogger pre-dated my post of yesterday by a day, even though I had written and published it late yesterday morning. Not only that, my post was about a TV programme I had watched earlier yesterday, so how could they have got it wrong? These horoscopey folks get their hands on (mistakenly) pre-dated posts and have no trouble in making a name for themselves (not to mention plenty of spondlicks). x

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  15. One of my pick me ups has been - book a pilates class, then imagine how toned you are going to be after just one session, how your posture is going to improve and how you're going to look just like Elle 'the body' McPherson. The class is on Wednesday. On Thursday, when I look in the mirror and it's still me, I will try interviewing myself in the car and asking where it all went wrong.
    Thanks for a funny post EM

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  16. Ah yes, the old Pilates con. I started up my yoga/pilates/torture sessions two weeks ago after a very long summer off. Next day, not only did I look exactly the same, but I ached all over. Bargain!
    Stinker - I am now utterly confused - and not a little spooked!

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  17. Too bad no solution to 'it's 9.30pm and the kids are still not sleeping, but I will pretend they are just lovely'?? Please let me know if you think of something.

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  18. Oh, very funny. I love the messy room syndrome and especially the cooking dinner hint. I will keep that in mind for next week as I am tasked with doing that every night for the next fortnight! Right! Better buy me some wine!

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  19. Wow, that's a rampant imagination too. Funny you're a Virgo - so is Son - and I recognize lots of those traits. M :-)

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