Monday, September 29, 2008

Harr, Harr

Apparently, on September 19th, it was International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I noticed this piece of news on my MSN Home Page, and on further investigation, it appeared to be fairly widely acknowledged in the media although I didn't hear a single real person mention it. Okay, so I live in the States, where many people don't think beyond their state borders, and are anyway distracted by the financial and political shenannigans going on in these parts.

My research uncovered that the whole idea to talk like pirates was the brain child of two guys (natch), who then decided to make it an International Day. Then I thought "What? You can just go around making up "International Days"?" How about that? I'd have thought the United Nations or the Pope would need to be involved at the very least. So guess what? Yes, friends - I have come up with a few days of my own, which I will strive to ensure are internationally recognised if it's the last thing I do.

- Talk Like a Five Year Old Day.
Away with your inhibitions; remove the filter from brain to mouth and just tell the world what's on your mind - every second of the day, without taking a breath. It helps to take on the character of the last animal you saw, such as next door's dog or the squirrel up the tree outside. In my world it would go something like:

"I really don't want to get out of bed. I hate getting up this early. I wonder if I can squeeze in five more minutes. Ooh, my back. Oh god, I have to pack a couple of lunches today."

Half an hour later - "Do I really have to get dressed to take the little one to school? I suppose I should. I know Americans dress rather casually, especially in the mid-west, but PJ's (especially bright blue with hot lips and strawberries on them) would probably raise some eyebrows. Roll on the winter when I can hide the whole ensemble under a very long duvet/coat.".

Even later - "Oh god. What can I give them for dinner that won't result in a big fight? Why do I have to even do this for other people? I wasn't born for this. I should be living on a Caribbean island, writing novels and sipping margueritas."

Get the idea? If not, please feel free to come across to my house and take over before I kill him, I mean, and sample the original model.

- Talk Like a (Female) Teenager Day.
Just insert "like", "you know" and "Oh my god" liberally and again, remove the brain/mouth filter. This works better when said in tones of righteous indignation, and a slammed door or two never goes amiss. My version would sound something like:

"Ugh, I cannot BELIEVE how much, like, laundry there is in the, you know, laundry hamper. My whole weekend is totally like screwed. I SO have the like, worst life in the world. OMG, none of my friends have to do this."

Talk Like a (Male) Teenager Day.
This is dead easy because it requires virtually no effort. A few grunts here and there, and an occasional eyeball roll are all that's required. I can't really do an impersonation without the aid of a webcam, and we're not going there. (Besides, I don't have a webcam.) However, the conversations in our house usually sound like this:

Me: Hi, how was your day?
MT (Male teen) - Ugh. (Or something.)
Me: (In an attempt to improve his diction) Is that good or bad?
MT: Jeez mom.
Me: Do you have any homework?
MT: Yup.
Me: Well what is it and when does it have to be in by? (Talk about bad grammar.)
MT: Did it.
Me: Oh.
Me: Okay.

Finally there'd be
Talk Like A Husband Day
I'm fairly positive this needs no explanation. In our house it sounds a wee bit like:

"We're not lost, I just don't quite know where we are in relation to where we need to be".

"Right, I'm just off to Home Depot (B&Q)".
"What? .. Of course I've measured the space...."

"I'm cooking tonight. We'll BBQ some steaks, chicken and brats* and invite the whole street over. Oh...and we'll have some salads to go with it." (In the States, this is a cue for all the men to stand outside with a brewskie or two, while wifey is stuck inside the sodding kitchen, chopping lettuce etc. Husband gets all the praise for the BBQ'd meat!)

"What's wrong? Nothing? Oh..okay." (Note to husbands - you are supposed to probe considerably further when the wife says "Nothing". It's usually not the case at all.)

* Brats over here are fat German sausages, not the cannibalism that it sounds like.


  1. Brats being short for bratwurst, I believe. And you'd fit right in over here in your PJs. It's what all the mums wear to take their kids to school. By the way, I've tagged you (harr!).

  2. Some fine research there Expatmum!

    What about Talk Like a Mother-in-Law day?
    "Did you not fancy making an effort today?" when you've spent 2 hours doing yourself up.
    "Did you have to let the cleaner go?" as she wipes a finger along the top of the nearest picture frame.

  3. Coffee - be right over.
    Tara - good one. My friend wrote a book called M.I.L.D.E.W (Mothers In Law Do Everything Wrong.) I think I will ask her permission to post some of the stories from it.

  4. Never mind talk like a MIL day, what about Talk Like Your Mother Day... 'When I saw the colour of your hair, I thought 'Oh dear!', 'If you stopped drinking and lost the beergut, you'd be lovely...' Hmn, think I will stick to talking like grumpy, middle-aged woman... 'Where's my nice life?'

  5. Extracting conversation out of a male teenager on the phone is always my favorite pastime. I count it as a personal triumph if I manage to get a sentence of more than four words on any individual call.

  6. Well, that's a relief - the brats thing, that is. I had visions of plastic dolls being roasted all over Chicago... (which, in itself, would be no bad thing, but probably wouldn't go too well with your salad).

  7. Hahaha loved your international days expatmum! they were far better than the talk like a pirate day, which sounds so ridiculous!
    I guess offices were full of 40 something year old guys quoting things like "Aye Jimlad!" that day!

  8. Shiver me timbers, what a great post. LOL

    Who the hell wants to talk like a pirate anyway?

  9. Showing my ignorance here - but I had to go and look up "Avast"!

  10. This was hilarious. I'm all for some new International Days. I think talk like your teenage boy could be interchanged with talk to your dad on the phone...

  11. Yo ho ho. How about talk like an 18 month old who's off sick from nursery day:

    want a drink?

    want to go to sleep in your bed?

    want to play with your toys?

    and repeat on loop cycle, for 48 hours, while clinging to mother's legs.

    (By the way, it's actually valley girl here, have decided to 'upgrade' my name!)

  12. Oh, but then there's Talk Like a Cat Day: Where's my dinner? Where's my toys? Where's my breakfast? Where's my snack"...I don't want to get up, I'm SLEEPING...

    Okay, so it could just as easily be "talk like a kid day"...

  13. I could identify with all of those conversations, especially the teenage boy one - thankfully long gone. The husband one was rather harder to recall as it was so long ago. M :-)

  14. That is hilarious-- like totally love the teenage girl one!


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