Monday, February 22, 2010

Bloody Typical

I'm sure I've posted with this title before, but nothing else will suffice. We spent last week (a half term break) in Copper Mountain, Colorado, skiing. Anyone who read this blog over Christmas might recall that I contracted acute Bronchitis for the two weeks we were there, and couldn't go outside without hacking up a lung, never mind ski. So last week marked fourteen months since I'd been on the slopes and I was a tad nervous to say the least. As any skier (how DO you spell that word?) knows, skiing when you're tense and nervous is never a good idea.

However things started going pear-shaped before we were half way up the mountains from Denver airport. Since we'd given ourselves hours to get to Chicago's airport (during Friday night rush hour traffic) and arrived early, we sat down for a leisurely meal. I shared a delicious thin crust cheese pizza with the Little Guy, and started regretting it about two and a half hours later. Standing in the car rental office in Denver, the Queenager said I looked "paler than usual" and I remember trying to decide whether I was going to barf or have explosive diarhhea at some point in the very near future. Apart from being "totally grossed out" at this, no one took much notice as I have a reputation for hyperbole, but I confess to being a little concerned.

It's usually about a two hour drive up the mountain, but this was late Friday night in driving snow and the beginning of a three day weekend - ie. lots of people trying to get to various ski resorts along Interstate 70. About a third of the way up, the sweats and dry heaving started coming in waves, accompanied by chronic stomach pains. "I think we need to stop at the next possible place", I said, terrified that "something" was going to happen right there in the car. At that very second, we realised we were in stand still traffic and about ten miles away from the nearest possible exit. "Oh my god", I kept saying, as I wondered just what I could do.

"Should I pull over?" asked the Ball & Chain. Normally, in such a desperate situation, I would have said yes. I was at the point where all you want to do is lie down on a nice cold floor - or snow in this case. However, since there were several "Special people" (ie. who don't follow rules) speeding up the hard shoulder, we would have been risking life and limb by pulling over. Plus, the traffic was literally inching along so whatever happened would have happened very publicly, and knowing my luck I would probably have been arrested for public indecency.

I got a plastic bag at the ready just in case, but to be honest, at this point I was more worried about the other end. With about ten minutes between each wave, I decided on the "mind over matter" approach. Since the waves weren't getting any worse, I figured that if I could just ride them out we'd be fine. About twenty of the longest minutes later we reached Copper and stopped at the first available place. Apparently I was a sight to behold as I tried to run to the loos with buttocks squeezed as tightly together as possible. I staggered through the door, only to find someone in line in front of me. I toyed with the idea of begging and crying but she was about 15 and probably wouldn't have even responded, let alone understood my dilemna.

At this point I was utterly panicked, but avoided public disgrace and a nasty mess by sitting on the marble sink surround - if you get my drift.

I'm happy to say that a) it wasn't pretty but it wasn't a recurring event, b) I happened to have a small bottle of perfume in my bag which came in very handy, and c) I am learning that large amounts of melted cheese are a thing of the past for me.

As I said, that was just the start of the week.....

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17 comments:

  1. oh no, trying not to laugh, failing, sorry.

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  2. I too found this very funny but alas have what my family call a sensitive tummy, so know all about the condition you were in. Hope you make it up the mountain and down again with skis attached.

    I urge you to try the skiing again. I had a break of 12 years and have not looked back after re-starting. I'm not as fast as I was, but enjoy the scenery a lot more.

    Helena xx

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  3. OMG sorry but am LMAO!

    I hope at this point you can too.

    Hope you are feeling better though!

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  4. I felt VERY empathetic as I did have an incident similar to this many moons ago.
    I think you did extremely well to wait your turn. Like a well ordered English person!

    Nuts in May

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  5. I would have shoved that 15 year old to the side very quickly. No good being polite when you need the toilet that badly.

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  6. Yep, have been there. No more warm dairy products for me!

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  7. Yes, you're just so ENGLISH - waiting in line for your turn.

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  8. Oh that sounds awful! I think I would have rugby tackled the 15 year old out the way. Hope you enjoyed the skiing when you finally made it, reeking of perfume, up the mountain.

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  9. Oh no poor you - I hope you did get to ski after all that. (I remember queuing outside a loo once in Peru knowing I was about to hurl - I did actually ask the other backpackers if I could go before them, and I think they could see from my face that it was urgent.....)

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  10. This was just the start???!!!!!!! But you did get to ski right?

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  11. OMGG ROFLMAO and almost equally shivering in terror, this is a recurring nightmare of mine after a similar experience on a train between Stoke and Manchester once upon a time! It's one of the rare moments in a loo when you really don't give a crap about the public noises your bottom end is emitting!

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  12. gosh you do have some fab holidays dont you....

    thanks for the distraction...
    saz x

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  13. I felt your pain. Have had a similar car journey myself which seemed unending and you just wonder if you're going to make it.
    Hope everyting went better after that?

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  14. LOL!! Oh how very British of you! Sorry, but I think I would have jumped in front of that 15yr old. I just keep imagining you running with 'buttocks squeezed tightly'...I hope the rest of the holiday was good, but have feeling of foreboding, given the last line of the post??

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  15. Oh no! That is just awful!!! (But I do like a good poo story - thank you for that.)
    Looking forward to your account of the rest of the holiday. (Which I got a glimpse of last week already - thanks!)

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  16. It always happens at the worst possible time, too! Well done on the mind over matter technique. sounds like you used your childbirthing skills! XX

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  17. Thanks! Now I have to go to work with that image seared in my brain ;)

    Hope you're feeling better.

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