Friday, February 12, 2010

What About the Rest of Me?

OK, I just can't resist this. The athletic shoe maker, Asics, has triumphantly annouced their new trainer/sneaker the Gel Kayano 16. Quite frankly, it sounds more like a personal lubricant than anything else but no, it's here to save a large number of us.  Based on research which says that changes in our oestrogen levels affect flexibility, the shoes have gel which change to cusion our feet at various times of the month. When we have high oestrogen levels, the arch in our foot drops, and when we menstruate, the arch is raised. The shoe therefore ensures our feet are supported whatever the time of the month.

Fabulous. The fact that both of my feet are completely different in structure and I therefore have to wear custom-made orthotics to keep my pelvis alligned means I'm not a potential customer. I'm, not sure foot support is top of my list during various times of the month anyway. What I really need are fabulous widgets for all the other symptoms. You know exactly what I mean:

Jeans with gel implants around the zip area. When your oestrogen levels are high, and your belly is a little rounder, the gel hardens to form a firm corset, thus flattening the entire area. For those of us who need that kind of help every day of every month, there would be a manual control option for continuous flattening. (Are you listening Gap?)

Ear-lobe laser mute buttons . When your oestrogen levels are high and your tolerance for all things human is low, a laser-like mute button implanted in your ear lobe does the trick. The device picks up on your oestrogen levels, mutes those around you and ensures that your sanity is protected whatever the time of the month. (Perhaps when said humans start to pick up the signals themselves, there can be a manual option which allows them to speak only when spoken to.)

Oestrogen-sensitiveCaller-ID. Although many of us now have Caller ID on our phones, there's always an element of indecision and/or guilt when we let a call bounce into voicemail. The oestrogen sensitive version takes the decision-making out of your hands. At those times of the month when mother/mother-in-law/nosey neighbo(u)r/bossy friend will just push you over the edge or drive you to tears, the phone already knows this and doesn't let them get near you. Callers will be immediately directed to voicemail, giving them the impression you're on the phone and not just avoiding them.

Bio-rhythmic perfume. Ordinarily your fave scent, when your oestrogen levels have you at your bitchiest, it takes on a skunk-like bouquet ensuring that everyone remains at least thirty feet away from you. As your mood lightens, so the sent becomes more pleasant and people feel safer approaching you.

Mind you, my skunk version would be on all the time. I'd have to change my blog to Expat le Pew!



  1. Maybe women should wear bright warning colours when they're feeling tetchy, like the deadly insects of Africa. But in all honesty, your oestrus cycle is pretty tame compared with female gorillas.

  2. You do make me laugh. Though I'll be sprinting to the shop to buy these shoes as I'm a great fan of the make and actually NEED (rather than WANT) a new pair of trainers.
    Thanks for the alert.

    Helena xx

  3. I like the thought of Gap listening...yes...brilliant idea..expatmum. Quick take out the patent! Especially on the jeans which expand and contract depending on the monthly cycle. Yippee! Remember me when you are a multi billionaire!

    (PS: Was your house in the same block as Sting's old house in Wallsend? I really hadn't cottoned on that his house was on top of the Roman fort...many years...ago.....) You probably told me this and I wasn't listening (hubbie says I never listen)!!!!

  4. Hade - I never actually lived in Wallsend. Just born there. Can't quite fathom out why my mother had to go trailing back over the river to give birth but there you are. My great grandparents lived in the old pit cottages I think, but they were further up near the High Street rather than the ones down by the shipyards.
    Maggie - a job well done on my part then eh? And isn't it all so true?

  5. Just brilliant! Thanks for making me laugh.

  6. Brilliant ideas. Definitely some marketable ones in there.

  7. I love the Oestrogen sensitive caller ID. Patent it quick!

  8. Ear lobe laser mute buttons where were they today????!!!!! OK I think my oestrogen levels are on the up....

  9. Ha ha! I have to admit, I thought the trainers thing was a wind up, but no, for real? I like your ideas better.


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