Reasons my Teens Laugh at Me

1.  -  my sneeze. Admittedly, when it's allergy induced (as opposed to a trifling cold) it can be a bit, erm, dramatic, but at my age, if you try to "control" your sneezes, you end up blowing a sinus and pee-ing a little. So, it will remain - Aye- ya-hoo, with the emphasis on the YA.

2. -  my pronunciation of banana, tomato and half. Get over it. I'm English and always have been. This is no surprise, and you both sounded like me until you were about 5 years old. Next time, I am going to post the pre-school video clips on You Tube and then we'll see who sounds "funny". Mwa ha ha!

3. - my jeans. OK, they tend to only sell "stretch" jeans these days. Trouble is, on me at least, they get bigger and bigger all day so that when you come home from school the butt is somewhere around the back of my knees. It's either that or I'll loaf around in sweats all day and get fatter and fatter? Pick one.

4. - my keys. Or lack thereof. The teens actually stand in front of me and do an oh-so-funny impersonation of me with my keys in my hands frantically asking "Where are my keys? Where did I put my keys?" But listen, oh smart ones, when you walk in one of two doors, carrying back packs, violins, food and a million and one other things, and your three (comparatively unencumbered) kids hurtle past you, shedding clothes on their way, it's a bloody miracle you make it in one piece. Yes, there is a hanger for keys at both the front and back doors, but sometimes, just sometimes, I collapse before I get there. (And don't even compare me to the Ball & Chain, who enters in the back, ignores everyone until he has walked through the house, into our study, deposited keys and other accoutrements in their correct place, and then says hello. I don't have that luxury.)

5. - My baking. OK, so I bought those little ready to bake bread rolls the other day and, in front of everyone, followed the directions to a T, and they still came out like hockey pucks - but it's not funny. It's a manufacturing error, or a typo on the directions. You all saw how well I followed the rules, and yet was foiled again. Just be glad I don't try to make your birthday cakes!

6. - I can't understand their texts and end up texting "?????" back. I mean, it's not even short hand is it? A lot of the words have numbers in the middle like L8tr, which seems to mean "later", which in turn is short for "See you later". And of course, I seem to have been the last person on the entire planet who thought LOL was "Lots of Love". I couldn't understand why complete strangers were being quite so friendly.

But I'm having the last laugh. They used to make fun of me for sleeping in till about - gasp- 9am on Saturday mornings. Now? If they make an appearance before 10.30am it's only to complain how tired they are before they lie down on the sofa and nod back off. Tee hee.

.