Attention Family Members

- When I say I'm going upstairs to dry my hair (before I take on the look of Kate Bush, and not in a good way), it means I will have a loud, electrical device blasting hot air an inch from my ear and I won't be able to hear no matter how loud you get.

- When the phone rings at 8.30am at the weekend, please remember that I will probably have been up for at least thirty minutes, there will be a load of rank clothes in the washer, another load folded and ready to be put away (ha - in my dreams) and I'll probably also have checked my e-mail and made the bed. DO NOT inform callers that "Mom's still in bed". Not that I have anything against enviably lucky people who can sleep past 8am, I just want people to know the truth about my life. At least as far as the time I get up is concerned.

- When I ask you (kids) if you have your phone and key before you leave the house, it's usually because I might not be in when you choose to return. I'm a mother, I'm looking out for you. Lose the 'tude.

- When you return and find a) no one at home, and b) you haven't in fact got your key, please keep in mind the aforementioned scene. It's not my fault that you said "Yes" without checking your pockets, nor am I to blame for the fact that you now have to sit on the doorstep for half an hour. And no, I will not come back early.

- When I choose not to come and watch yet another baseball game, it's not because I want some "me" time. I have just spent a week in London on my own; I am fully aware that my "me" bank is deplete, if not in the red. It's because there's a house to run, a dog to walk, blogging to do and food to buy.

Please sign below to indicate your full understanding of the above.

Thank you.

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