Losing Weight the Guy Way

The Mysogynist Mail reported on a new study the other day. Apparently the July issue of Men's Health has a recent study about dead easy ways to lose weight. Bearing in mind that this is a men's magazine, and most men only have to think about losing weight to drop a trouser size, I was a bit cynical that it would help us females.

There are a few suggestions that will give you a good laugh though:

- Laugh for 10-15 minutes per day. Well seen that most men aren't left to deal with screaming kids, broken dishwashers and surly shop assistants. I could laugh all day if I disappeared off to an office first thing in the morning.

- Put a dash of cinammon on your food; apparently it helps raise the metabolism. Sorry - if you've ever eaten in the USA you'll know that they put cinammon on everything, and well, I don't see too many people looking like they have particularly high metabolisms.

- Have a daily glass of red wine. Ooh, now we're talking. I wonder if I can substitute white wine? Red wine gives me a headache after two sips.

- Listen to classical music as you eat - apparently the soothing tones make you chew at a more lesurely pace. Unless of course, it's the William Tell Overture. Can one extrapolate that heavy metal makes you fat then?

- Have more sex. It's a metabolism booster. Now don't groan - the report doesn't insist that it has to be with your spouse.

- BBQ your food, it helps extra fat escape. Don't worry about the carcinogenic effects of over-cooking the sausages. You'll at least be skinny.

- Eat chilli con carne regularly; (the kidney beans help break down stored fat). This list wasn't put together by the wives then. Obviously men can live with the threat of sleeping in the spare room on a regular basis?

- Eat lentils on a regular basis. (See above.)

- Put tomatoes in your sandwiches; they surpress hunger pangs. Why bother with a sandwich when you can just eat a tomato? That one makes no sense at all.

- If it didn't grow, walk or swim don't eat it. Oh good, now I can turn my nose up at tofu with a clean conscience.

- Take conjugated linoleic acid capsules. Apart from the fact that I can't pronounce it, I'm not eating anything that's conjugated.

And the icing on the cake:

- Eat with others - apparently you will match your intake to that of your dining partner. For many women, eating with others means eating with children. And we all know that one of the biggest reasons we gain weight is because we eat the stuff that our kids leave on their plates. And since the report also says that stress is one of the main contributors to weight gain, we should definitely ignore this tip!

Men's Health - clearly written for men then.