How Come Mine Never Look Like That?

I was perusing an article the other day about how to freshen things up in your back garden. "Oh", I thought, "I could probably learn something from this." (At this time of year in Chicago, everyone's gardens are still dead and we're not supposed to start planting till May 1 because of the risk of frost. It's all a little depressing and hard to remember that, come summer, if you keep up with your watering, everything will be lovely.)

Anyway, this is the article and these are some of the suggestions -

Tea cup bird feeder:

Initially I thought this was quite sweet. I'd imagine you have to glue the cup on to the saucer, or spend a fortune in replacement cups. And then I imagined someone like my mother (who's coming in May) saying "Why do you have a cup and saucer swinging from that tree?". When I try to do these artsy things, they always look sort of, well. stupid. Besides, I don't have a tree.

Chalk Embellishments - 

I love the look of this, but one word (especially in the UK) - RAIN!

Bottle Tree (aka "colorful glass feature") -

I really should try this one because lord knows, I have enough empties to supply the whole street with this "feature". But seriously? Has anyone actually done this? Here's what I do with my empties and I think it actually works.

Candle holder inserted into empty (sadly) bottle of Dom. 

And finally the "Chair Ornament", otherwise known as "rickety old chair".

Again, in theory, this could look quite good in a shabby chic kind of way. Were I to try it however, it would probably just look like I'd left a chair out for too long and then dumped some flowers on it. Or worse, someone would remove the flowers, sit on the chair and fall straight through the middle.