Saturday, May 24, 2008

Mr. Clean

Last week, my almost five year old developed an obsession with cleaning toilets. Knowing my luck he's figured out how to turn the computer on, bypassed the Fort Knox-like Parental controls I have recently had to set up because of another family matter, guessed my blog name and picked up on my toilet observations. Even though he's a blue eyed blond who could easily look like a girl if his father stopped dragging him to the barber's every four weeks, I am pretty sure he's male. I am tempted to have a thorough DNA check done though as this hygiene thing is so against the grain for the male species, especially where bathrooms are concerned. Thinking about it though, he does miss the loo occasionally, doesn't even bother to look down most of the time, and multi-tasks like the best of them. On Wednesday I checked on what he was doing "in there", and he was standing peeing and trying to play his sister's recorder at the same time.

You'd think I would embrace and encourage this new hobby. Ordinarily, if I sniffed a volunteer to clean the toilets in our house I'd usually give them a monetary incentive and a weekly schedule. I have a sneaking suspicion however, that he'd go into school and tell all and sundry that his daily chore is to scrub the toilets. Since they're a bit funny about that kind of thing over here, (ie. child labour) my parenting skills would be called into question as would my custodial rights over him. No, the reason why I'm not keen on him messing around with the loo is that he appears only to be interested in cleaning the seats with toothpaste. And his bright blue, kid-friendly toothpaste at that. I mean, when we have people over, it's not exactly a colour that blends in with the porcelain.

And this stuff is really thick and sticky. Rubbing it off with wet toilet paper, is not only pathetically ineffective, but the paper blocks the loo into the bargain. (A post about that later I feel.) Yesterday he was in the downstairs loo far too long and my suspicions were once again aroused. Even more so when I shouted his name and he replied "Nothing!". A dead giveaway. I barged in there and sure enough, he's desperately trying to remove the evidence of his latest hygiene misdemeanour. "Out, out" I shrieked. "How many times..." you get the picture. Out comes the industrial cleaning equipment and about half an hour later I think I've removed the last vestiges. As I said, this stuff is really thick and sticky, and even when it looks like it's all gone, it isn't. Some time later when I went to use the loo myself, I realized I hadn't done the cleaning job well enough.

Like most people, I imagine, when I first sit on the toilet seat, that's not exactly the final position. I sit down, and then gently slide myself backwards an inch or two. (Next time you 'go', I bet you do the same.) Anyway, there was absolutely no slide to be had from this toilet seat and the skin on the back of my thighs was almost ripped off in one jagged movement. Yowza! So now, if he so much as sets foot in the loos without a "proper reason" he is going to lose his Sponge Bob viewing privileges and I don't care how cruel the older two tell me I am. They can clean up his mess if they think that!

Any resemblance to Cruella De Ville is purely coincidental and rather hilarious since I discovered that Nutty Cow seems to have nominated me for a Bloggers' Choice award in the Parenting category! Thanks all the same NC.

22 comments:

  1. Expat Mum,
    Howlingly funny.
    Sorry, I mean how awful your child is behaving, disgraceful.
    HHHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
    This will keep me smiling all day, sorry again.

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  2. Thanks for that vote of sympathy Frog! He has a snotty nose today so I'm being semi-nice to him.

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  3. And I thought, after raising three boys, that nothing could surprise me ;)

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Priceless, how do they come up with this stuff? My 2 yr old is madly into 'cleaning' right now, smearing baby wipes across every piece of furniture if left unattended. Every table has dust from 3 feet up and sticky wipe-residue to the floor!

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  6. LMAO...well you can't deny if this is a new obseesion for him you might have had a slight influence!

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  7. Thank you for visiting my blog. I'm thrilled because it led me to yours and I got my belly laugh for the day reading your posting. I used to teach 1st grade and I'll bet your son would have been a lot of fun to have in class.

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  8. I'll bet you wouldn't be saying that after a full day with him. I usually warn people not to make eye contact because he NEVER stops talking. Welcome by the way.

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  9. Came to you from maggie may's where you thought she might be holidaying in your ex-neck of the woods. I'm just curious as to the approximate location of your upbringing. Me? I'm a geordie.

    I enjoyed that kid of yours - really funny.

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  10. So funny - life's observations are the funniest things ever I will be checking out my toileting seating habits next time I attend. He sounds like a right little character. xxx

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  11. SB - me too; Geordie, that is. Left in 1980 to go to uni, London and then the States, but am back every summer. Usually spend a lot of time driving round and round wondering where the hell I am with all the bloody new roads and bridges!!
    And yes friends, he is very funny indeed but sometimes.......! Like this morning when I told him it's not funny to copy his older brother and burp really loudly, he said "Mommy I think you're going to have to find a new place to live in that case!"

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  12. Yes the initial elation palls so quickly.
    Cheers

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  13. I am very tempted to "find a new place" - which would be
    a) on my own
    b) by the sea
    c) with no phone
    d) a case of Pinot Grigio
    and
    e) plenty of sun and sun screen
    Aahhh....

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  14. Now what you really need is someone like that maintenance guy (in the earlier post about the private school girls and lipstick kisses on the mirror) to teach your minor maintenance man a lesson. But given that he's so small, and a boy, I wonder what would gross him out?
    From www.Mini-et-Moi.com

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  15. cut out some toilet seat shapes from cardboard, stick them in the yard, and have him 'decorate' them in his own way. you could be encouraging the next big thing in the art world, a sort of postmodern take on duchamp... in fact, keep schtum, gilbert and george might hear of this...

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  16. My Pickle 'How many times..?'-es ME now. 'Mummy, how many times have I told you I can't help making a mess? I'm only a child.' And today when another Mummy told him off for helping her son make a mud-pie on the newly cleaned patio he came out with 'I'm ashamed of myself', as I've told him so many times before that he should be.

    Love the little blighters!

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  17. Missing the loo is a full time occupation for The Eldest. He spends twenty five minutes in the bathroom every morning, most of which he claims is him showering, I think he's actually finding nooks and crannies that he hasn't managed to reach with his peeing efforts...

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  18. Just don't do what I did when the older one was four - place a bin/trash can next to the loo. As the Ball & Chain said at the time, "For god's sake - that's just a red rag to a bull!"

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  19. Don't let him get hold of the vaseline. I can testify that this has the opposite effect to the toothpaste. Your derriere will slide off that seat like a skater on ice, just not quite as elegantly!

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  20. Daughter decided to create her very own swimming pool in her bedroom the other night with several pints of water - directly above a light fitting. Luckily the house was not short circuited!

    Thank you for your kind comments on my blog - I have an inkling that you are my sole reader for which I remain truly grateful!

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  21. wow that is an awesome post i was really looking for this kind of information for a very very long time. thanks man thanks for the post awesome man thanks

    Mobile Repairing Picture Help

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