Competition Time

There's a funny piece on PowderRoomGrafitti about the French obsession with post-natal/partum perineal health. Naturally, I have a tale to tell on the subject, which is swear-to-god true:

Last year, I went to an "event" with friends. I think it was called, "Sex, Chocolate and your Pelvic Floor". Obviously the title was intriguing enough to get me there. Now, as many women may know, it is extremely important to keep your pelvic floor muscles as strong as possible – unless you want to be peeing every time you sneeze. The organization sponsoring the event was almost entirely devoted to this medical issue, and very serious about it obviously.

With champagne glasses in hand, we sat down to listen to various speakers talking about our nether regions, surrounded by anatomically correct posters of giant vaginas. One speaker, a sex therapist, produced what I first thought was a satin hot lips pillow. When she began using is to demonstrate sex toys that also double up as vaginal muscle strengtheners, I quickly saw what the cushion really was.

Towards the end of the evening, the hosts began calling door prizes using our coat check tickets. Of course, the two friends either side of me won gift certificates to fabulous lingerie shops/stores. I never win anything, but then they called my number. "Ooh great", I thought with glee, "My undies are all gray. I could do with some new knickers/panties".

I should have been suspicious when all the gynecologists in the room were pointing at the goody bag coming my way. “What did I win?”, I excitedly asked. And yes, I had bagged the ultimate door prize – “Myself; Discover Feminine Strength”. A pelvic muscle trainer (batteries not included), complete with a complementary one-on-one Total Control session. The box includes 1 personal trainer (presumably non-human), one vaginal sensor (non-latex), one replacement vaginal sensor (don’t ask), a travel bag and toll-free helpline assistance. Can you imagine the conversations going on at that help desk? (The best suggestion in the comment box wins THE prize.)

It seems what you do is insert the “long thing”, which you are then required to squeeze several times with your internal pelvic muscles. If you have never done this, it's like stopping your pee mid-flow to hear which child is screaming at the top of his/her lungs. But that’s not the end of it. The “long thing” is attached to a monitor which registers your efforts, so you effectively receive a digital report card. Not sure if this grading system reports back to a central office somewhere, but the kit has a money-back guarantee of “daily strengthening in a short, five minute session”.

Needless to say, the box remains unopened. As I said, I'll gladly give it to the funniest comment here. The certificate for the one-on-one session expires in July thank goodness!