Encoding our Conjugal Rights and Duties

It was recently decided in a French court, that you can sue your spouse for lack of sex in a marriage. Gulp! In this case, the wife (Yes, I know – didn’t see that one coming did you?) complained of a less-than-stellar sex life over the course of the_­ twenty-one year marriage, and the judge fined her husband thousands of euros. The decision was based on French civil code, which requires a married couple to engage in a “shared communal life”. Not sure how I’d feel about having to legally force my husband to have sex with me, but whatever.

Given the possibility of legions of randy*, rejected spouses jumping on this bandwagon, I think there’s call for an international “Declaration of Conjugal Rights and Duties”, which should become a subsection of the Geneva Convention. I mean, we need to know where we stand on such matters:

“Henceforth, notwithstanding mammoth weight gain, severe flatulence, overly-perverse requests and/or sharp toenails, married couples (and those living as such) shall:

·     -  Give themselves bodily to their spouse at least twice a week, unless otherwise advised by a qualified physician. (That should keep the healthcare profession buoyant!)

·     -  Refrain from obtaining false medical opinions to defend a lack of conjugal desire

·      - Give reluctant spouses due (ie. 24 hours) notice of the desire to exercise conjugal rights

·      - Keep a calendar of such relations if spousal appetites are a bone of contention (excuse the pun)

·      - Give noncompliant spouses three month’s notice of intention to take legal action

·      - Persons under such notice shall take reasonable steps to demonstrate an intention to remedy the situation, in the form of an action plan complete with weekly goals and to do lists

·      - Absence of such demonstrated intention shall be deemed to invite litigation, as shall failure to meet aforementioned goals.

On the other hand, they could just call it a day and get divorced.

*randy – British word meaning “horny”