A Peek into Gwynnie's World

OK, I know it's not nice, but it's also irresistible. Taking the piss mick out of Gwyneth Paltrow, that is. I wouldn't care but I just read an interview somewhere about how nice, funny and normal she is. I should be ashamed of myself.

And then she ruins it by coming out with the "Annual Spring Edit" on her curiously named Goop web site. "Edit", as in, chuck it all out and get some new stuff. As you do. (Or in my case, - chuck it all out and never get round to buying anything new.)

Goop, in partnership with Net-a-Porter clothing, aims to help you "find inspiration for outfits for all aspects of your busy life". All aspects? What? You mean like whether I can wear jeans or not? How many aspects does your average woman have? If Gwyneth's outfit selections are anything to go by, her middle name should be Sybil.

The first look is "Everyday Punk". I quite often get up of a morning and decide I want to be a little bit rock and roll that day; fortunately I have three kids who would wet themselves laughing if I ever took it any further. But, if you fancy adding a touch of Everyday Punk once in a while (as opposed to Extraordinary punk I imagine), here's what you need -

Leather jacket $1995 (about 1300 quid), and Rag & Bone jeans $255 (that's another 165 quid.) Plus - I know she grew up in the States, but honey - this ain't punk. Punk was a lot scarier, even on a Wednesday.

She also has looks for Pretty Pastels "with the element of fun" which, rather than being a jaunty pair of ear-rings or a pop of lemon, are sparkly ankle boots costing $970 (over 600 quid.) Then there's "Bright and Bold, for "casual weekends, city walks and the school run". Again, I must be the only woman who doesn't really over-think her outfit for the school run, or indeed a "city walk" whatever that is. Who on earth are you mixing with if you have to dress up to get the kids or take the dog round the block?

The "Maxi at home" outfit worried me a little. This one's "for a night in with guests". I know quite a few women actually love maxis; and yes, they can be a heck of a lot easier to throw on than jeans and a top, but if I were entertaining guests, you can bet I'd stand on the hem, throw the food all over the nearest guest and break my neck in a maxi. Plus, the maxi in question of course, costs $1615 (over 1,000 spondoolix.)

Perhaps the winner in the "Are you Kidding Me?" award however, goes to the "Silk for Slouching" outfit. First off, do you actually slouch in silk? I thought silk was for best? Second, the silk sweatshirt she's wearing comes with a $675 price tag. (443) and the pants she's slopping around in are an eye-watering $1695 (1100). In clothes like that I'd be sitting up straight and not letting anyone near me with a juice box or sticky hands!

I know Gwyneth and her man Chris Martin have more money than God, but you can't claim to be normal enough to do your own school run and then advise yer average mother to slouch around in silk that costs more than her annual clothing budget. 

Well, you can, but you lose a leetle bit of mom cred.