Piers Morgan - Still Telling Americans What to Do

So, to recap - after three years of the evening talk show, CNN axed “Piers Morgan Live”. He is currently to be heard, blaming Anderson Cooper's "poor lead in" for his failure, rather than his own paltry viewing numbers, but I have a feeling Piers never likes to acknowledge his own inadequacies. Americans yelled “Don’t let the door hit you in the bee-hind." and hoped to see the last of him. Unfortunately, now he's back at that bastion of truth and good grammar, the Daily Mail, as their Editor-at-large-who-specializes-in-all-things-American. (Not).

What with the petition to have him deported last year, and now this, old Piers hasn’t done much for the reputation of Brits in America, and here’s why –

Uses too many British idioms – OK, we all do it from time to time - saying “loo” when we’re being cute and “fortnight” when not concentrating. Point is, we’re not TV journalists interviewing mainly Americans and trying to appeal to an American audience. People have a remote, and they use it when they can’t understand what the berk on the box is rabbiting on about, innit.

Talks too fast – Unlike Simon Cowell, who probably rubs just as many people up the wrong way, Piers often sounds like one of those radio commercial announcers racing through the caveats in under ten seconds. At least when Cowell calls someone “appalling” you can hear every syllable, although Americans may be confused by the “k” on the end of “anything”.

Doesn’t annunciate properly – Morgan talks with the front of his mouth, lips pursed, without moving his jaw at all. Couple that with the aforementioned speed, and most Americans miss fifty per cent of what he says. Again, when Gordon Ramsey is insulting people and shouty-swearing at them, you can actually make out what he’s saying.

Has a weird name – Most Americans think he’s called Pierce, as in Pierce Brosnan. Very few of them ever pronounce it Peerz, as it should be. While Americans seem blissfully ignorant of this grating error, it’s probably lost the show seventy five percent of the Brit audience, and I’m pretty sure it’s on one of those “How to Really, Really Annoy a Brit” lists.

Is incredibly arrogant, and not in a good way – Simon Cowell also thinks a lot of himself, but he can take it when people make fun of him too; this was all part of his persona on American Idol and it brought audiences in for years. And he’s good at his job; he knows the music business and he gets respect for that. “Thunderously self-absorbed” is how the New Republic hilariously describes Morgan. Americans may not be shy about blowing their own trumpets, but not Piers Morgan style.

Gets into daily spats on Twitter – if you want to be taken seriously in your serious job, you don’t pick slappy-fights on Twitter. From Jeremy Clarkson to Charlotte Church, Morgan has fought publicly with them all. On February 5, he even insulted people on the same side of his argument – “As for all the enraged transgender supporters, look at how STUPID you’re being. I’m on your side, you dimwits”. No wonder he made number 25 on the “100 Worst People on Twitter”.

Tells Americans how to run their country – it doesn’t take Brits long to twig that Americans don’t like foreigners pointing out the negative aspects of this country. Whatever your views, there is a right and a wrong way to voice them.  Interrupting and insulting invited pro-gun guests with “You’re an unbelievably stupid man, aren’t you?” (oh yes, he did) does not win friends and influence people. It loses you your job. Even the Morgan himself admitted that “banging on” about gun control was the nail in the proverbial.

If only he’d listened to me last year when I told him to “Put a sock in it”, he might still have a job!