Saturday, June 6, 2009
The Good Wifes Guide,- Final Act
I hope you all took notes as there will be a quiz in the next few days. And I also hope that the men in your life are having a more relaxing, pampered time at home. I take all the credit.
Where was I? Oh yes, just couldn't resist discussing the final bullet points. Some of you may not be able to post a comment, having collapsed on the floor; others may think that this could not possibly be anything other than a figment of my imagination. I regret not.
- Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through during the day. I don't complain if he's late home for dinner, as long as I get notice. Staying out all night - at what point am I supposed to not only "not complain", but also not call his cell phone, and possible the police ('cause he never picks up) to check that he hasn't met with some terrible fate? What kind of wife goes to bed without at least finding that out? And let me tell you, doing either of the above without fair warning will indeed be "minor" compared to what he will encounter when he drags his sorry ass through the door.
- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Ladies, can you imagine the look on a husband's face these days if we did this. The Ball & Chain would probably check to see how much Pinot Grigio was still in the bottle, then ask the kids what on earth they'd done. And let me tell you, the only one going for a lie down when he walks through the door is ME!
- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Ask my kids. I always speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Outside of the house, that is.
- Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. Oh, so that would include not asking him to check the directions when we leave for a baseball game in a new baseball park. Or perhaps not asking him to double check the measurements for the shelf that came down on my head, before he leaves to buy the wrong size replacement. The second part - about him being the master of the house, and me having no right to question him? La-la-la-la - fingers in ears. Can't hear you.
- A good wife always knows her place. Indeed. That would be (in no particular order), anywhere in the Caribbean; at the bar in the Four Seasons downtown; in the bath- with no little people shouting under the door; as far away from the kitchen as possible.
If you want some good family entertainment in your house, print off the above guidelines and stick them on the fridge door. My how you'll all laugh!