Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Big Fat Christmas Lies

Every year I like to do a bit of a public service post, whereby I impart useful factoids and advice for the Christmas season. Last year I showed everyone how to write the perfect end of year letter to a teacher (which is probably one of my fave posts BTW - because it was almost all true). In previous years it's been a sample letter to other people about not buying crap gifts and a list of gift suggestions for those who have everything.

I live to give.

Anyway, this year I thought I'd cover the little white lies you might find handy for fobbing off answering the kids when they start asking difficult questions:

"We don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in." - He has a magic key and just uses the front door. OR. He's just magic; he'll find a way. (Doesn't always work.)

"How come Santa uses the same wrapping paper as you?" - Ah well, we have to leave it out for him. He can't carry all those presents round the world and all the wrapping paper, so parents have to leave it out for him and the elves wrap his presents." (Phew)

"How come some of the things on my Santa list are from you and daddy?' - Erm well Santa doesn't always have time to make everything, so me and daddy buy some of them.

"Ditto grandma". (He didn't exactly say that but it was of the same gist.) - Erm, well there was actually so much on your list that Santa took one look at it and delegated some of the items to me and I then sent a few sugegstions to grandma.

"How will Santa know that I'll be in Colorado and not Chicago this Christmas?" - You can write it on your note, and then we'll leave another note at the house to remind him.

"But the note will be too late, if he starts off in Australia he'll have gone past Colorado" - (This lad is too well traveled by far, but failed to realise that just because we would fly via the Pacific to Australia, doesn't mean Santa comes that way.) Ah no actually, Santa goes the other way from Australia. That's why he gets to grandma's house before our house; so if he flies over the Atlantic, he'll pass Chicago and get the note before reaching Colorado.

(In Colorado) "There aren't any hoof prints on the roof. I thought Santa's reindeer landed on the roof?" - Oooh no, not with all that heavy snow already on there. They'd crash straight through the roof if they did that. They must have landed on the ground (where there are so many foot prints you can't tell who's been there.)

Yes folks - Christmas with young kids is a challenge. Please feel free to add any more gems for general edification.



  1. How do I answer 'why doesn't Santa give presents to really poor children? Surely that's mean. They need it more than anyone else?"
    *Drums fingers on desk* I'll wait . . .

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  3. I've got round the geographical limitations problem by informing them that there is a Santa for every geographical region. For example there is one for America, one for Europe. They swallowed it.

  4. How come there's a Santa in the garden centre, another one in the Department store and a third one comes to our school? They all looked different - one was fat, one skinny and the third one very tall.

  5. It's the Christkind that brings the present on the evening of the 24th where I come from. It's not really Baby Jesus, but something similar. Santa Claus only comes on the evening of the 5th and puts small presents, chocolates, nuts and clementines in the kids' shoes if they have been good. How am I going to explain to my daughter that Santa is coming to all the other kids on the morning of the 25th and in our house it's a kid with wings that flies in through the open windows on the evening before? All her mates will think she's a nutter, poor thing...

  6. Hi there, I tried sending you an email today but it came back saying the address was wrong. I wanted to ask you if I could include some of the reviews of your book Rules, Britannia on my new expat mothers website with a little bio about you. Let me know if that's ok. Thanks, Tamsin

  7. I keep being lied to by the kids. "Sinterklaas did this" and "Zwarte Piet (his helper) did that" and there's no way I can tell them off without letting them know that I'm actually both those guys.

  8. People - I want answers, not more questions!!! (Just kidding.)

    Anon - please can you e-mail me at expatchicago@gmail.com. Thanks

  9. The advantage, for once, on having children younger than yours is that I'm not scared of what is to come. I shall merely bookmark the page for when they are old enough to ask questions about Santa ;-0

  10. When they ask questions like that then they've already started to figure it out and they don't really want to know the truth so just say it's a mystery/magic and nobody knows how he does it.
    If that doesn't work just yell,
    "BECAUSE I SAID SO!" and send them off to bed with no tea.
    Works for me.

  11. Clearly we have a superior Santa to yours...our Santa has separate wrapping paper tucked away which is never seen. Don't you think that's very clever?!

  12. I was horrified to discover that when Santa visited my husband's children he left a stocking at the foot of their bed. How on earth did he not wake them? Out of panic I announced that Santa felt there were too many bedrooms to visit and from now on he would leave all presents in stockings downstairs by the chimney.

    'But Santa still visits out bedrooms at my mum's house,' came the reply.

    'I meant too many bedrooms at this house, now that another child lives here.'



    They actually began to prefer it that way as it was more of a group event everyone getting woken by the youngest and all creeping downstairs to open their presents before the grown ups got up.


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