Monday, January 17, 2011

Remember when.....

Don't know what made me think about this. (Perhaps having a teenage daughter) but,

Remember when -

- you used to plan an outfit days in advance? These days, I know I have a few "outfits" (although damned if I can find them) that I can wear to certain events. I used to read about these society ladies who hung their clothes up together as "outfits" and think - "What? Can't they accessorize?"

For some reason, I am less able now to throw an outfit together than I used to be. It would help if I had more of an interest I suppose (yawn), or if I actually bought stuff together so that I could instantly find an "outfit" when I need one.. Seriously, unless I"m going to a wedding (once a decade) or a ball/black tie event (once a decade owing to Ball & Chain's aversion),  I never think about "what to wear". I tend to buy bits that I like every decade or so, and then have no idea what to pair them with.

Now when I go out, it goes something like this

 Go up to my room about an hour before going out, shower etc, then stand in my closet and stare. The outfit I initially had in mind for some reason, (cramps? Fat belly?) suddenly looks terrible. Off comes the top, to be replaced by an even worse top - which might however, go with another pair of trousers. Nope, trousers and top don't look good; try another top. When I finally emerge, I am sweating bullets (note to self, don't do hair before the outfit is chosen) and about 600 degrees of separation from what I originally intended to wear.

And remember when -

you needed to drop a few pounds/inches to fit into the outfit you had planned weeks in advance? Not that I'm advocating this (teenage girls, if you happen to be reading) but time was, if I needed to reduce my waist or hips to fit into anything, I would just have Cup-a-Soups for two and a half days, and Voila. Result. Not working now!

Nowadays it goes something like -

- OK, this is beyond a joke. My gynocologist asked why my va-jay-jay was looking so red at my last "Lady visit", and I had to confess that it was because my jeans were too tight. So tight that I had a tight crotch as well as a muffin top. Enough. I'll just starve myself for a few days and every thing'll be fine. NOT.

Nowadays, if I can ever manage to lose 5 pounds (which isn't that hard when you stick to Weight Watchers instead of "guestimating") I lose it fairly quickly from both sets of cheeks. My face looks instantly shrunken and I go from being mistaken for Laura Dern to Celine Dion (yes, that thin and pointy) and my never-full-bottom resembles that of a Buddhist Monk (if you could see under the robes, - no disrespect). While people are asking (in a not-good way) "How much weight have you lost" I haven't actually lost nearly as much as I intended to, and the rest of my body remains unchanged.  There's nothing like a really skinny face to make the rest of you look too big.

Sigh! Those were the days.



  1. The last time I saw you, you had a lovely 'outfit' - very coordinated. So you must be doing something right. Thankfully your trousers weren't too tight so I don't think you were too pink!

  2. There was me thinking you looked effortlessly stylish the times when I've met you. Now I shall gaze with respect at your outfit when I see you next, knowing all the effort that went into putting it together!

    I also stand and stare blankly at my wardrobe. And if only cup-a-soups would work now!!

  3. I go for the Special K thing before staring blankly into my closet. The worst is when I finally do decide on an outfir, I then have to pass the teenage daughters' approval- Nightmare!

  4. Ha ha... I think I must be quite like you, Toni. Today my friend asked me what I'm wearing on Saturday night, when we're going out with 2 other friends who always dress up and look wonderful. I stared at her in confusion (does she not KNOW me at all?!), and said "I haven't a clue. Jeans and some top I expect. I'll think about it about an hour before we go I should think."

    LOL at your pink VJJ - though maybe just a tad too much info! *makes mental note to check tightness of own jeans*

  5. I remember those days vaguely. Actually, I was never able to lose weight easily. Luckily it goes on slowly as well...

  6. I am like you...... sometimes the outfit I planned to wear is too tight. Why do clothes always shrink like that?
    Maggie X

    Nuts in May

  7. You do crack me up....

    I felt quite relieved when I bought myself some new ski pants recently - they may not have been very glamorous, but they weren't, unlike the last 2 pairs, too tight in the crotch!

  8. Nice site, from a children author

  9. You totally crack me up. I just had to mop spat tea off my keyboard after reading the V'J'J segment of this hysterical prose!

  10. too tight jeans my girl- haven't you learnt anything in all these years. Just as well mum doesn't read or you would get the riot act. LOL. I am in the for once happy position of shrinking away- but I think anything tight is history for me from now on. Sigh

  11. I have two words for you *camel toe*

    Ahem. anyway, moving on...

    My weight always goes off my boobs first which has a similar effect of making the rest of your body look huge in comparison. Much easier to keep it on and be well balanced ;)

  12. I hear you sista. Losing weight these days involves a 2 hour workout a day plus the old shit diet of grilled chicken and steamed veg. I mean how long am I expected to eat that before going mental and attacking myself with salad tongs? We are all in the same (fat) boat.

    laughed too much about the red vajayjay!!!

  13. I am another talented Brit who can do the nose thing!

    My phone is the same, totally wasted on me!

  14. Well, you looked more than fine to me at Cybermummy. I have to arrange my outfit the night before, otherwise it'll be leggings, baggy jumpers and Ugg boots day in, day out. I know, it's really bad. But at least I won't be sporting the CT :)


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